妈妈与我和男朋友的故事

Yesterday, i asking my mother to help my bf again due to his finance. This is the second times for asking mum to taking out her money to lent to my 4th bf again. This is not the first time to asking my mum to lent money to all my ex bf. first, third didn't return back. How about the current one, i also dun know at all. I feel so shameful and useless which i keep asking money for my mum. I don't want to be like that. I keep blaming myself why i keep finding this type of bf? If i don't had bf , i will not getting all the money trouble with my mum. i feel so disgraceful when i talk to my mum. My heart is so painful , when i asking my mum to taking out large sum money, her money is hard earn money... because my bf , all her hard earn money is gone within into thin air. Due to this matters, i kept thinking wanted to leave my bf or not. if i leave him, will the money get return? I do love him , but sometimes he likes to think a lot of thing, which never will happen it. He really cares about me. but sometimes a little bit of too much. This all things is doesn't mind to me. It really mind is i don't like all my bf for asking borrow money for me or asking my mum helping. This really make me will look down my all bf, but i always thinks that everyone deserves chances, like me is so useless , study never turn in good grades, working experience just a so so only. Now a days i really hardly falling in sleep, my heart is so hard breaking, due to i am so useless.... why i cant be a happy gal. don't need anyone look down on me? I am letting my mum down, cos i am useless gal, and keep finding such a bf . I don't wish like that anymore. Sometimes i also thinking jump down on the roof, i think that mum will happy if i not creating trouble to her. But on other side, if i die? will i make my mum heart breaking? if i still staying where am i right now..I will going mad so or later, i also don't know when is it will happen of mental. I don't want see my mum to be unhappy and so stress about me. I want to see my mummy to be happy always... and ever. My mummy is a wonderful in this world, which in next life i also want her to be my mummy again. I promise myself, if this relationship if didn't last long, i will not going seeing and dating again for my entire life. I don't wish to see my mummy sad again and over again.... i am very very sad sad and breaking her heart again and again. letting her down..... I wish a good luck will fall to my side... But i am still waiting.... I Love you mummy.... don't worry i will not let you down again.... i will be strong again...